My Only Hope

A Day Off

Cut yourself some slack, they say.
Give yourself a break, they say.

So today I had cake for breakfast.

And I made the baby laugh so hard that he fell down right on his padded little bottom. And then I laughed right along with him, both of us laying on the floor giggling to each other.  There is incredible peace when you look deep in the eyes of a laughing baby.  I think I saw a glimpse of God.

For the first time ever, I "smudged" my house.

And myself.

I breathed in the smoky trails of sage and thought about peace, and safety, and protection.  I breathed out that peace too.  I wafted the sweet smoke over the living room where we gather to play, onto the dishes we eat from, over my son's bed where he sleeps and grows and dreams, and all around the door so that peace will wash over those who enter, and those who leave.  I gave myself a break.

And I cut myself some slack, refusing to feel guilty for still being in my pajamas at lunchtime.

But I also got some clutter cleared.  Papers filed, phone calls made, appointments set.  And it felt... peaceful.

For this moment, I refuse to feel pain.  I will not acknowledge sorrow, frustration, loss, grief, anger, or self loathing for this moment in time.  Maybe it will be just one moment, maybe a whole hour.  Maybe I can get the whole day in... but I won't worry about that right now.

For now, I will just focus on these single moments of laughing into my baby's eyes, breathing in smoky sage, the taste of frosting on my tongue, and the feeling of power in taking a day off from everything else.

Surfing the Waves

Lately life has felt like I'm a wee bit of driftwood caught up in some never ending storm.

I know there is solid ground out there.
I know there is blue sky hidden by the black clouds.
I know that calm waters are just outside the next rolling wave.
But I'm getting weary, and more than a little seasick.

I can't really remember where I came from, where I was, all warm and basking in the sun on a beach, when the storm snuck up and swept me away.  I don't know where I'm going to end up when this storm is over either.  Some other beach? A deserted island? or just adrift, forever, in this vast ocean?

Forgetting the metaphor and just being frank (who wouldn't want to be Frank? ba da dum!) I was feeling a bit like I was getting my life together.  I was moving forward, onward, facing fears and being brave and stepping out in faith to reclaim my life.  I made big changes and while things weren't perfect, I was feeling a sense of confidence and hope and optimism.  I felt peace. And then, not.

Well of course that's the problem isn't it? Once you are feeling grounded, something swirly happens to unbalance you and it's all about seeing HOW you  manage the swirly bits.  That's what character is right? What you do when the shit hits the fan; how you behave when no one is looking; the ways you manage when you fall in hot water... my character is seriously lacking!

A friend of mine has this huge network of support.  Friends, family, co-workers.  When times are tough there are backyard barbecue's, fire pit marshmallow roasts, childcare offers, supportive emails and phone calls, heck, even neighbors drop in.  I guess you reap what you sow - and I guess I haven't sown much.  That's pretty pathetic really, and another sign of my character (or lack thereof).  Not to say I don't have friends because, I do. Really.  Real ones!  One's that offer tea and wine and silly text messages to cheer me up.  Friends who shout "Yay!" and "You Go Girl!".  Friends who are only an email or text message away.  I know I'm lucky, fortunate, and blessed but I can't help but feel that I should have sown more, given more, reached out more.  Ok, it's entirely possible that I'm wallowing in self pity right now... possible, even likely... ok so more than likely, let's just call it out - I am wallowing in Self-Pity.  It's unattractive, I know... I'll stop now.

When my kids whine or have pity parties, I get annoyed. I tell them to quit.  I redirect them.  I think I'll have to do a little tough love on myself!  I think I'll have to take a deeper breath, recenter myself, and hold onto my surfboard for a bit more wave-surfing in this storm.  I know it will end, storms always do... so it's just about holding on a little longer.  I can.  I know I can.  I bet I'll come out of this a pretty darn good surfer!

So, here's to sunshine behind clouds, solid ground under the waves, blue sky above me, and better surfing skills... Cheers!

Looking for an Angel

Self Loathing

*again, for Lee...this is the revelation/enlightenment I spoke of

I allow
my words
to be stifled

I allow
my feelings
to be shut off

I allow
my heart
to be silent

I allow
my words
to be lies

I lie

I do not live
whole
alive

I do not live in love
with love
for love
I do not live in peace
with peace
for peace

I live in fear and I hate my own weakness
my own humanity
even as I understand it
and justify it
and know there is change ahead
I hate me for THIS moment now
for allowing myself
to be victimized
prostituted
captive
out of fear
hate hate hate hate
hate hate
hate

Escape

I run
I escape
I slide and slither and wiggle and writhe
away

I choose now to sit stiffly
in the chair
instead of cozily on the couch
because that way you can't sit next to me
and touch me

I go to bed early
and earlier
and earlier
to escape my way
into sleep
and avoid you

I arise
earlier
and earlier

to hide

to be "busy"

I get up and wash dishes
just to get up
away
out of arms reach

I try to have something in my hands
all the time now
or occupy my whole self
with a task
so I am too busy to stop
and be mauled
by you

I grimace
and clench my teeth
when you hug me

I know because
someone told me so
pointed it out
and asked what was wrong
I try to control my face
but it shows my heart

How do you continue
to ignore
my eye rolls
clenched jaw
turned away face
my crossed arms
my sudden leaping up
and away
my turning over
my avoidance
How is it not killing you?

It's killing me

Simmering

*for Lee because he asked...


resentment bubbles
low and slow
steaming
vapors wafting
on winds of change
I smile...

anger bites
bitter stings of
pinching needle teeth
waiting for the flinch
I shrug my shoulders...

bitterness coils
ugly
and sour
green pus
infects every breath
I hold in the sigh and pat your shoulder...

revulsion crawls
along vertebrae
whispering
whimpers of
shuddery loathing
I clench my teeth and say I'm tired...again...

I cry without tears
I scream without voice

Fraudulent
Phony
Fake
Inauthentic
Untrue
Unwhole
composed of bits of lies I tell you
to survive each day I live
I hate my lies
I hate myself for every word I never speak
and for the weakness of my own soul
for my own hypocrisy

don't look at me...