Self Loathing

*again, for Lee...this is the revelation/enlightenment I spoke of

I allow
my words
to be stifled

I allow
my feelings
to be shut off

I allow
my heart
to be silent

I allow
my words
to be lies

I lie

I do not live
whole
alive

I do not live in love
with love
for love
I do not live in peace
with peace
for peace

I live in fear and I hate my own weakness
my own humanity
even as I understand it
and justify it
and know there is change ahead
I hate me for THIS moment now
for allowing myself
to be victimized
prostituted
captive
out of fear
hate hate hate hate
hate hate
hate

Escape

I run
I escape
I slide and slither and wiggle and writhe
away

I choose now to sit stiffly
in the chair
instead of cozily on the couch
because that way you can't sit next to me
and touch me

I go to bed early
and earlier
and earlier
to escape my way
into sleep
and avoid you

I arise
earlier
and earlier

to hide

to be "busy"

I get up and wash dishes
just to get up
away
out of arms reach

I try to have something in my hands
all the time now
or occupy my whole self
with a task
so I am too busy to stop
and be mauled
by you

I grimace
and clench my teeth
when you hug me

I know because
someone told me so
pointed it out
and asked what was wrong
I try to control my face
but it shows my heart

How do you continue
to ignore
my eye rolls
clenched jaw
turned away face
my crossed arms
my sudden leaping up
and away
my turning over
my avoidance
How is it not killing you?

It's killing me

Simmering

*for Lee because he asked...


resentment bubbles
low and slow
steaming
vapors wafting
on winds of change
I smile...

anger bites
bitter stings of
pinching needle teeth
waiting for the flinch
I shrug my shoulders...

bitterness coils
ugly
and sour
green pus
infects every breath
I hold in the sigh and pat your shoulder...

revulsion crawls
along vertebrae
whispering
whimpers of
shuddery loathing
I clench my teeth and say I'm tired...again...

I cry without tears
I scream without voice

Fraudulent
Phony
Fake
Inauthentic
Untrue
Unwhole
composed of bits of lies I tell you
to survive each day I live
I hate my lies
I hate myself for every word I never speak
and for the weakness of my own soul
for my own hypocrisy

don't look at me...