I weathered my first week of going back to school. I got through the first week of Medical Terminology and learning a bazillion prefixes and suffixes and root words. I wrote an essay, and took a test also. I wore scrubs. I packed my own lunch. I did my homework.
I weathered an ER trip with my baby which was prefaced by a fall and an obscene amount of blood and incorporated my downstairs neighbors (whom I do not know at all - they come and go in the middle of the night...very creepy) driving me and my screaming bleeding baby to the ER in MY car.
And then weathered a pediatrician visit and a pediatric dentist visit with a baby who did NOT want anyone touching his mouth...but for whom "mouth touching" was a necessity. Poor boo...
I weathered "THE TALK" with my 17 year old son... oh we've had 'the talk' before but this was about "THE TALK"...as in, "it's going to happen so what do I need to know..." At least he asked.... ya know?
I weathered some post divorce backlash that left me humiliated, shaking, and demoralized but only very briefly. I regrouped and remembered who I am, what I'm doing, and what I'm actually worth (and how none of that is dependant on my ex's opinions, or anyone elses for that matter...) I am reading a book on shame by author Brene Brown.
A friend is weathering a huge personal commitment involving 3 days, camping, and mountains to hike as a fundraiser for battered women. I'm thinking of thinking about thinking of doing it with her maybe next year...
It's been stormy this week. But the skies are clearing and I'm none the worse for the weather... I'm feeling calm, strong, and firmly rooted.
Now I'll have a cup of tea, some toast, and take a minute to enjoy the calm.
Friday, July 19
Wednesday, July 10
Tuesday, July 9
Today
Today my goal is simple, yet so very challenging all at once.
Today my goal is this:
Breathe
Remain unattached
Disengage
Do not be baited
Wish me luck.
Today my goal is this:
Breathe
Remain unattached
Disengage
Do not be baited
Wish me luck.
Thursday, July 4
PSA
I open my eyes and see him standing in my bedroom doorway. He is backlit from the bathroom light so all I really see is his form, all lanky 6 feet of him, shadowed in my doorway. I've been waiting all night for him to show up.
The instant my eyes blink open I hear him say, "mom, it's time..." I hear the wavery unsure tone in his voice and somehow I am at the doorway, one hand to his forehead before I know any time has passed at all.
In a weird photo-flicker time lapse rapid fire trick of time, my 17 yr old 6 foot tall son collapses in my arms. First his head rolls back on his neck, but simultaneously his eyes roll up so I only see the whites, and then his body just melts - rubberizes - and sinks toward the floor.
I am under him, on his side, then around him, trying to hold him, then over him as he is sprawled out on the floor - and I see his jaw shudder, his eyes twitch, his hands flail and I am seeing not just my son passing out, but convulsing.
I am yelling at my partner to help, the baby wakes and is screaming, and I am calling to my son to wake up wake up wake up buddy please wake up. And he does. He opens his eyes, he licks his lips, he looks at me and tries to smile. He is so pale. So very very pale that you can't even see the hideous sunburn that he got at the beach yesterday, the one I knew would make him sick, the one that made me worry, justly.
I won't lie. I panicked. I was that stupid person you see in movies or on TV, just racing around not actually doing anything. I remember my mind going in circles - who do I call? who do I call? who do I call? his dad? 911? pediatrician? oh god WHO is his pediatrician? Which hospital should I call? do I call my friend who is a nurse? what do I do? I had my phone in my hand, open to my contact list, but I was circling my son, wetting a washcloth for his face, getting him water, soothing the baby, and then my son sat up. He said, "I feel better, I'm ok, I think I passed out in the bathroom before I came to get you though".
I sit and have him sip water. I touch his forehead again. I am breathing slower, thinking clearer. He puts down the water and looks at me. "Oh mom it's gonna happen again!" he says. I say, "it's ok buddy, lay down, lay down, just lay down, breathe, it's ok... hold on..." and it passes, he is fine, he lays there and breathes and is fine.
He talks. He wants to get up, to go to the bathroom. I send my partner with him, make him leave the door open, and sit down to call someone, finally, someone...the pediatrician, they'll have an on call urgent care clinician. They'll tell me what to do. At some point I have Googled "sun stroke" on my iPhone and am terrified.
I call, I am patched thru to a clinician. My son now sits on the couch across from me, sipping water. His sunburn is glowing in the half lit living room, his face is swollen, the left side in particular. His chest seems nearly purple red. I tell the clinician that he passed out, I say twice but think to myself that is was really almost 3 times, but I can't find the words to say "convulsion". It's ok though because she says, "ER, now..." and we go.
I leave the baby with my partner, put a bra on, grab a sweater, my son is half joking now, clear headed, alert, oriented. I am still scared, and when he asks to drive I can't believe it. "Dork!" I mutter while sliding behind the wheel. I shake my head. He laughs. We drive.
I ask him again, and again, and again, if he is ok, what he feels, is he nauseous? Yes. Does his head ache? Yes. Is he hot? Um, no, kind of cold. Does he hurt? Yes, the burn, mostly his face and ear, that's what woke him up he thinks. Lightheaded? No, not now. Sweaty? No, dry. Tired? Yes, very.
At the hospital they run blood work, EKG, chest x ray. All normal. They give him a liter of IV fluid, some heavy hitting ibuprofen, and a blanket. We are out of there in just over an hour. Gatorade. Rest. Stay out of the sun and heat. A few days... next time wear sunscreen, drink more fluids, take a break from the sun. Next time...
My son was sick. Very sick. But he was also very lucky. Once we were home and he'd slept, had a good lunch, had drank 2 quarts of Gatorade, I made him sit and research sun poisoning, heat stroke, heat exhaustion. I wanted him to see how lucky he was, how close he came to being dangerously, critically, ill. I hope he learned something.
In the meantime, I can't close my eyes. I see him falling, and convulsing, over and over. It's gonna be awhile before I recover too.
The instant my eyes blink open I hear him say, "mom, it's time..." I hear the wavery unsure tone in his voice and somehow I am at the doorway, one hand to his forehead before I know any time has passed at all.
In a weird photo-flicker time lapse rapid fire trick of time, my 17 yr old 6 foot tall son collapses in my arms. First his head rolls back on his neck, but simultaneously his eyes roll up so I only see the whites, and then his body just melts - rubberizes - and sinks toward the floor.
I am under him, on his side, then around him, trying to hold him, then over him as he is sprawled out on the floor - and I see his jaw shudder, his eyes twitch, his hands flail and I am seeing not just my son passing out, but convulsing.
I am yelling at my partner to help, the baby wakes and is screaming, and I am calling to my son to wake up wake up wake up buddy please wake up. And he does. He opens his eyes, he licks his lips, he looks at me and tries to smile. He is so pale. So very very pale that you can't even see the hideous sunburn that he got at the beach yesterday, the one I knew would make him sick, the one that made me worry, justly.
I won't lie. I panicked. I was that stupid person you see in movies or on TV, just racing around not actually doing anything. I remember my mind going in circles - who do I call? who do I call? who do I call? his dad? 911? pediatrician? oh god WHO is his pediatrician? Which hospital should I call? do I call my friend who is a nurse? what do I do? I had my phone in my hand, open to my contact list, but I was circling my son, wetting a washcloth for his face, getting him water, soothing the baby, and then my son sat up. He said, "I feel better, I'm ok, I think I passed out in the bathroom before I came to get you though".
I sit and have him sip water. I touch his forehead again. I am breathing slower, thinking clearer. He puts down the water and looks at me. "Oh mom it's gonna happen again!" he says. I say, "it's ok buddy, lay down, lay down, just lay down, breathe, it's ok... hold on..." and it passes, he is fine, he lays there and breathes and is fine.
He talks. He wants to get up, to go to the bathroom. I send my partner with him, make him leave the door open, and sit down to call someone, finally, someone...the pediatrician, they'll have an on call urgent care clinician. They'll tell me what to do. At some point I have Googled "sun stroke" on my iPhone and am terrified.
I call, I am patched thru to a clinician. My son now sits on the couch across from me, sipping water. His sunburn is glowing in the half lit living room, his face is swollen, the left side in particular. His chest seems nearly purple red. I tell the clinician that he passed out, I say twice but think to myself that is was really almost 3 times, but I can't find the words to say "convulsion". It's ok though because she says, "ER, now..." and we go.
I leave the baby with my partner, put a bra on, grab a sweater, my son is half joking now, clear headed, alert, oriented. I am still scared, and when he asks to drive I can't believe it. "Dork!" I mutter while sliding behind the wheel. I shake my head. He laughs. We drive.
I ask him again, and again, and again, if he is ok, what he feels, is he nauseous? Yes. Does his head ache? Yes. Is he hot? Um, no, kind of cold. Does he hurt? Yes, the burn, mostly his face and ear, that's what woke him up he thinks. Lightheaded? No, not now. Sweaty? No, dry. Tired? Yes, very.
At the hospital they run blood work, EKG, chest x ray. All normal. They give him a liter of IV fluid, some heavy hitting ibuprofen, and a blanket. We are out of there in just over an hour. Gatorade. Rest. Stay out of the sun and heat. A few days... next time wear sunscreen, drink more fluids, take a break from the sun. Next time...
My son was sick. Very sick. But he was also very lucky. Once we were home and he'd slept, had a good lunch, had drank 2 quarts of Gatorade, I made him sit and research sun poisoning, heat stroke, heat exhaustion. I wanted him to see how lucky he was, how close he came to being dangerously, critically, ill. I hope he learned something.
In the meantime, I can't close my eyes. I see him falling, and convulsing, over and over. It's gonna be awhile before I recover too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)