Thankfulness day... um... whatever...

So I missed a couple of days.

Not that I wasn't thankful during those days, I was, very, but sitting down to write about it seemed to be a bit more than I could manage!

This was an entirely different thanksgiving for me.  I was feeling sort of sad and bitter about it (and lets face it, having a pity party) but it actually turned out to be a lovely day.  Turns out that eating at a restaurant for the main meal is kind of yummy, and there's no dishes!

I had my 17 yr old son and my 17 month old son with me and it was fun and peaceful and easy and I would totally do it again.  Later that day we moved furniture around just for fun and then went to some friends for dessert.  I missed my girls terribly, and I missed all the thanksgivings of my past which were full of family, friends, fun, and me hosting the huge gatherings, but I was able to fully embrace my time with my boys and feel thankful.

And now I'm looking forward to Christmas.  Ah, the music, the decorations, the presents! Fun fun fun!  This year will be the first year my baby is able to grasp any of it and I look forward to his amazement and wonder at the colors and lights.

Wishing you all a holiday of amazement and wonder as well!

Thankfulness day 27

Today I am thankful for choices.  I'm not always good at seeing ALL the choices I have but I'm getting better at it. Being open to seeing all the different options and choices available make such a profound difference in ones ability to accept responsibility, take control, and make positive changes.  It's a hard lesson, and takes some time to really learn, but I'm getting there.  And I'm thankful...

Thankfulness day 26

I'm thankful today, already...  Thankful for heat... I'm thankful that, while I shut it off at night and it's darn cold for the 4am potty dash, I can crank the heat on at that time and when I finally emerge from my snuggly bed at 5:30 to start nudging kids awake, it's warm and not so horrible to have to be awake and moving.

Not everyone has heat.  Not everyone can turn theirs on whenever they want to. Not every small toddler can be warm and safe all day. Not every momma can have warm toes.  I'm thankful.  Soooo thankful.

Thankfulness day 25

I'm thankful for grief.
If I didn't feel grief, it would mean nothing had touched me so deeply, with such love, or that I had never experienced such love and joy that it's loss would leave me...well, full of grief in that love's absence.

My father passed away unexpectedly last year at this time.  While I did not have the relationship with him that I wished I did, and though there are others who were closer and more connected with him, I miss him.  I miss knowing that my dad is there, even though he lived 3000 miles away and I hadn't really seen him in years, I knew he was "there".  And now he is not.

I'm thankful for the feelings of loss and grief, for the tears and the sadness.  It reminds me that I am indeed connected to others, that I have had relationships worth mourning, that my heart is alive and capable.  I can only have this grief and sadness, because I have had it's counterpart - joy, love, connection.

I miss you dad.

Thankfulness day 24

I'm thankful for getting home safely last night, that my sideways slide downhill ended safely and in a forward facing position on the correct side of the road. I'm thankful I was alone in the car just in case it hadn't ended so well. I'm thankful for all wheel drive, new brakes, and for the sand trucks out this morning!

Thankfulness day 23

I'm thankful for Llama Llama Red Pajama, pomegranates, pork roast, snuggles with my daughter and old episodes of Greys Anatomy... And for you.

Thankfulness day 22

Vanilla ice cream.

Hot fudge.

Caramel.

Whipped cream.

Sprinkles.

One spoon.

Perfection.

Thankfulness day 21

Today I am thankful for grace.
The kind of grace that allows one to completely miss the bottom step on the way down, and fall flat on one's face, in front of a policeman and three burly tree cropping crewman, and still get up and walk away, head high.
The kind of grace that smiles and waves, all the while cursing inside in very big words.
The kind of grace that, with bleeding knees and swelling ankle, get into ones car and moves it from danger of the tree cropping crew, while they watch, then walks back UP said stairs, still smiling, and while still being watched, and makes it inside without further "dis"grace.
The kind of grace that allows one to, later on,  laugh their fool head off over what one small, slightly roundish, gray haired woman must have looked like, in her pj bottoms and stripey socks, going ass-over-teakettle down the concrete steps onto the gravel road.

Oh I do love me some grace!

And I'm also thankful that bloody knees and a slightly puffy ankle are the worst of it.  There was a pile of broken ceramic I landed in and suffered no damage from; nor did I break anything critical, tear anything crucial, or bleed from any other spot.  Lucky me!

Thankfulness day 20

Today I'm thankful for the people in my life who love my children as much as I do.  I'm thankful for the teenagers who love my tiniest one, for friends who rejoice with me when my children succeed and those who worry with me when that is what's called for.  I'm thankful for friends who care for my kids, drive them places, and pray for them.  I couldn't be more blessed.

Thankfulness day 19

I'm still riding the high of the job offer. My start date is a few weeks away still and while the job isn't exactly the job I want, the hours I want, or the location I want, I'm thankful I'm mature enough to accept that it's a good job and a paycheck and it's a stepping stone. 

So today I'm still thankful for the offer, but thankful too for the wisdom to accept the job.

Thankfulness day 18

Today? Today I'm thankful for a real live official job offer.

Thankfulness day 16 and 17

I'm thankful this weekend for time... Time to go to the park and the library, time to pick my son up after work, on time... I'm thankful for the time to cook a multi step meal, homemade waffles, and mix up faux mimosas.  I'm thankful for the time to sit, to watch a movie, to read a book, to read endless repetitions of Llama Llama Red Pajama, time for snuggling an rocking my toddler, time for stretching out on my older sons bed and companionably watching him play video games. I'm so thankful for time...

Thankfulness day 15

Today I was thankful to be able to help out someone else.  I had the absolute pure joy of being able to step outside of myself and my own "needs", to see that I am capable yet of giving... and that giving is so sweet.

Thankfulness day 14

I am thankful today for health insurance and easy access to health care.  Its something I don't often think about, but when I have a sick baby and a worried heart, it's so reassuring to just pick up the phone and call and make an appointment.  I'm thankful I have insurance, that it's a $20 copay which I have available in my bank account and that it's a quick and easy thing for me to do.

I'm thankful that taking my child to the doctor does not mean a $180 emergency clinic visit (been there, done that, still paying the bill).  I'm thankful that I don't have to weigh out the lost time/pay at work with exactly how sick I think my child is - thankful that I can just decide he is sick and take him in.  I'm thankful that I don't have to weigh out the cost of medication (another $8-10 copay) against gas money, or grocery money, or  an electric bill disconnect notice.  I've been there too... so I really am, truly, thankful.

I'm not floating in money here, and not without concern for every dollar that is mine to spend, and I do weigh and measure expenses and place value on them.  But today? Today my child's illness is not something I have to weigh out, measure, assign value to, and worry to bits over.  Today I can take my child to the doctor, get the prescription, and still have money for my gas tank, my bills (well, most of them!) and food for our table.

Today is a day for being thankful.  And honestly, today is all I can handle!

Thankfulness day 13

On this 20 degree morning, I'm thankful for a warm jacket, a fleece suit for my baby, a car with a working heater, fleece lined tights, hot coffee, the open arms of friends who babysit, the opportunity for continued education, and so much more. Soooo much more... 

Thankfulness day 12

This day has barely started and already I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for the opportunity for potential employment, for a chance, for hope.  I'm thankful for the joy of a quiet day with kids who love to curl up and read the day away. I'm grateful for an evening ahead planned with friends, dinner in the oven already, and the taste of hot chocolate still on my tongue.

Thankfulness day 11

I'm so thankful for the bags of hand-me-downs that filled my baby's drawers full of warm, soft clothes that fit and will last us all winter and spring. I'm thankful for the generosity of other Mommas, for the community o parenting, and for grace.

Thankfulness day 10

I am so thankful for my friends, those true ones who see me at my ugliest and my most bare, and who love me anyway. Calling a friend and saying out loud, "I'm sad, I need help, I'm afraid, I'm lonely" and knowing she will respond with love and honesty is a priceless gift. I have only a few; I'm not one of those social butterflies who collect friends at every turn, but the few I have are ones I trust enough to call and say, "I'm broken..." Without fear of judgement. I'm blessed by my friends...

Thankfulness day 9

Today I am thankful for laughter, for children who mix up words like "masticate" and "masturbate", for open conversation and authenticity and love. 

Thankfulness day 8

I am thankful today for second chances, and for those hearts that are big enough to offer them.

Thankfulness day 7

Today I am thankful for absolute joy of my children. They are, all of them, my favorite people in the world.  Their humor, insight, purity, authenticity, and energy lights up my every day. In my darkest moments (and lately I've had a few too many dark moments) my children are my salvation.  I am so blessed.

Thankfulness day 6

Today I am mostly just thankful that the day is over. It had its positive moments, it beauty and it's joy, but so much pain and strife that ran through it all. So I am thankful that I could come home today, put on my comfy pants, and let the tears fall while I was safe and sheltered. Now I can crawl into a soft clean bed and sleep. Tomorrow is another day... And I'm thankful for that too.

Thankfulness day 5

Today I am especially grateful for the simple joy of peace - for the moment when no one needs anything from me and all my "to-do"'s are done and I can sink into the weightlessness of just "being". It's a rare gift and I am grateful to be given that on this day. I embrace each second of it and sit in the stillness with confidence. 

Thankfulness day 4

Today I am thankful for so much. In the face of adversity I was given encouragement, support, and a shot of self confidence.  I had the joy of bonding with two incredible teens. I made a baby laugh. And I ended the day with Nutella and wine! What a day...!!

Thankful in November, day 1,2,3...

I'm a couple days behind, but I just found out about the idea of posting something you are grateful for every single day.  So here is day 1, 2, and 3...

Friday November 1. I'm so thankful to have friends that make me feel included, accepted, and wanted.

Saturday November 2. I'm thankful today for the ability to play outside with my son, for a body that can run and laugh and play and keep up with his energy.

Sunday November 3. I'm thankful today for someone who fixed my car for me, thankful that I can drive safely, and even thankful simply for a car at all. I am lucky.

A little prayer

He doesn't understand at first.
He doesn't like wearing the crown that goes with his costume.  He doesn't want the hood up, hates the feel of  the sleeves with their built in claws dangling round his tiny wrists, and doesn't want to hold the plastic pumpkin candy bucket.
I roll up the sleeves, leave the hood dangling down his back, and at the very last minute I pop his crown on his head and distract him by showing him how to knock on the door.  The plastic candy bucket sits on the ground between his feet.
He slaps the door with his little starfish hand and looks up, up, up.  It must seem impossibly large to him.  He is so small.  So dear.  So vulnerable and sweet.  My heart cracks a little with all the love I have for this tiny little moppet of mine.

The door opens.  From my position, crouched down beside my son, I chorus the standard "Trick or Treat" with high pitched enthusiasm, trying to get him  to chime in somehow, showing him what to do, modeling the right behavior.  Things I will continue to do for years to come.  I smile encouragingly, wrap his fingers around the bucket handle and help him hold it out for the miracle of free candy.  His eyes get big as the candy drops into his bucket.  He doesn't even know what candy is, but the novelty of being given something is apparently mind boggling and he stares open mouthed and big eyed into the depths of his once empty bucket.  "ohhhh" he says.  "uh-oh!" The only words he knows, and they actually seem applicable.

I help him wave and lift him down the stairs which are too tall for his little little legs.  At the bottom of the stairs he once again gapes into his candy bucket.  He puts it on the ground and looks up at me, puzzled.  I scoop him up and kiss that sweet spot between his cheek and neck, the spot that smells like graham crackers and "baby".  "That's candy! It's your treat! Wanna do more? More houses? More candy?"  He says, "yeah" like he always does when I ask him anything.  He hasn't learned "No" yet, thank goodness, and his little whispered "yeah" is sweet and funny all at once.

After the third house, it's like a light bulb goes off in his mind and the whole entire night is illuminated with understanding.  Go to door, get stuff, wave.  Next house!  Go to door, get stuff, wave.  Next house!  He runs on his tiny little legs, zigzagging and weaving, waving at any other kids he sees, he chatters nonstop in a language of his own, so full of merriment and joy.  He has no clue that the candy is for eating.  One house gives little bags of pretzels and I open it for him and let him munch on them.  He is happy now to carry his little candy bucket and he is so full of joy that it spills out of him and lights the whole night.  We walk together in our own little bubble of joy and light and I am so grateful for this moment with him.

He is so small, my little moppet.  Such a nugget of a baby... after awhile I carry him and it isn't long before he decides that he is done.  When I put him down to knock on a door, he cries.  I pop him into the stroller and give him more pretzels and we walk quiet and smoothly now back to the car.  The leaves in the trees are rustling music for us and on the drive home he falls asleep. He is peaceful and, therefore, so am I.

I think a little prayer as I lay him in his crib and listen to his soft even breathing: God, please let us have years and years of  Trick or Treating together... Amen.