Lonely

Being alone

Is different

Than being lonely

Tonight

I'm lonely

But not alone

The difference is 

Within

But also

Without

Unbalanced balance

Teetering

On edge

Of saying out loud

Unspoken truth

Of loneliness and aloneness 

Tonight the loneliness

Screams

Can you hear me?

Begin again

and so we begin again
dancing around the sharp pieces
of fallen stars
in bare feet -
because wearing shoes is too easy
and people like us?
we do things the hard way
over and over again
starting
stopping
and then we begin again

I dance -
the jagged self conscious movements
of someone who does not know what dancing is
step here, hands there, awkward, stiff, wrong...

you dance along -
your shadow over all the shattered stars so I don't see them -
trying to mimic me
because you can't stand to be looked at
singly
alone
in your own light
but your movements are out of rhythm
off beat
a step behind here, a step ahead there,
a left instead of a right, and what we create is ugliness.

and so we stop
and breathe heavily
tired
so tired
and stare at each other with eyes swollen by feelings we can't let go of.

and then we begin again
dancing around all the shattered pieces of this mess we've made
by ourselves
no one else to blame
and neither of us able to finish the hard work of cleaning up -

I pick up some bits and flotsam of brokenness
and you scoot some under the rug
I try to carry the largest bits, but I drop them with bloody hands,
you point
you laugh
you kick some of the brokenness toward me
shaking your head
and walking away
walking away
walking away

and I begin to dance again
in the middle of shattered bits of fallen stars
and find they sparkle a little still
without your shadow

Stuck

Stuck
like glue, in a fix, in the middle

Mired
deeply, thickly, immovably

Bogged down
dragged down, weighted, burdened

Held
pushed, shoved, blocked

Stayed
halted, delayed, diverted

Trapped
boxed in, jailed, removed

Caught
grabbed, tethered, tied

words that describe my life...

when will I be free'd?

Surfing the Waves

Lately life has felt like I'm a wee bit of driftwood caught up in some never ending storm.

I know there is solid ground out there.
I know there is blue sky hidden by the black clouds.
I know that calm waters are just outside the next rolling wave.
But I'm getting weary, and more than a little seasick.

I can't really remember where I came from, where I was, all warm and basking in the sun on a beach, when the storm snuck up and swept me away.  I don't know where I'm going to end up when this storm is over either.  Some other beach? A deserted island? or just adrift, forever, in this vast ocean?

Forgetting the metaphor and just being frank (who wouldn't want to be Frank? ba da dum!) I was feeling a bit like I was getting my life together.  I was moving forward, onward, facing fears and being brave and stepping out in faith to reclaim my life.  I made big changes and while things weren't perfect, I was feeling a sense of confidence and hope and optimism.  I felt peace. And then, not.

Well of course that's the problem isn't it? Once you are feeling grounded, something swirly happens to unbalance you and it's all about seeing HOW you  manage the swirly bits.  That's what character is right? What you do when the shit hits the fan; how you behave when no one is looking; the ways you manage when you fall in hot water... my character is seriously lacking!

A friend of mine has this huge network of support.  Friends, family, co-workers.  When times are tough there are backyard barbecue's, fire pit marshmallow roasts, childcare offers, supportive emails and phone calls, heck, even neighbors drop in.  I guess you reap what you sow - and I guess I haven't sown much.  That's pretty pathetic really, and another sign of my character (or lack thereof).  Not to say I don't have friends because, I do. Really.  Real ones!  One's that offer tea and wine and silly text messages to cheer me up.  Friends who shout "Yay!" and "You Go Girl!".  Friends who are only an email or text message away.  I know I'm lucky, fortunate, and blessed but I can't help but feel that I should have sown more, given more, reached out more.  Ok, it's entirely possible that I'm wallowing in self pity right now... possible, even likely... ok so more than likely, let's just call it out - I am wallowing in Self-Pity.  It's unattractive, I know... I'll stop now.

When my kids whine or have pity parties, I get annoyed. I tell them to quit.  I redirect them.  I think I'll have to do a little tough love on myself!  I think I'll have to take a deeper breath, recenter myself, and hold onto my surfboard for a bit more wave-surfing in this storm.  I know it will end, storms always do... so it's just about holding on a little longer.  I can.  I know I can.  I bet I'll come out of this a pretty darn good surfer!

So, here's to sunshine behind clouds, solid ground under the waves, blue sky above me, and better surfing skills... Cheers!

Self Loathing

*again, for Lee...this is the revelation/enlightenment I spoke of

I allow
my words
to be stifled

I allow
my feelings
to be shut off

I allow
my heart
to be silent

I allow
my words
to be lies

I lie

I do not live
whole
alive

I do not live in love
with love
for love
I do not live in peace
with peace
for peace

I live in fear and I hate my own weakness
my own humanity
even as I understand it
and justify it
and know there is change ahead
I hate me for THIS moment now
for allowing myself
to be victimized
prostituted
captive
out of fear
hate hate hate hate
hate hate
hate

Escape

I run
I escape
I slide and slither and wiggle and writhe
away

I choose now to sit stiffly
in the chair
instead of cozily on the couch
because that way you can't sit next to me
and touch me

I go to bed early
and earlier
and earlier
to escape my way
into sleep
and avoid you

I arise
earlier
and earlier

to hide

to be "busy"

I get up and wash dishes
just to get up
away
out of arms reach

I try to have something in my hands
all the time now
or occupy my whole self
with a task
so I am too busy to stop
and be mauled
by you

I grimace
and clench my teeth
when you hug me

I know because
someone told me so
pointed it out
and asked what was wrong
I try to control my face
but it shows my heart

How do you continue
to ignore
my eye rolls
clenched jaw
turned away face
my crossed arms
my sudden leaping up
and away
my turning over
my avoidance
How is it not killing you?

It's killing me