Another piece of my heart...

Its graduation time.  Caps and gown and speeches and parties time.  Pride and relief and anxiety and confidence time.  Deep thoughts time.

I watched my third child walked across the same stage that her siblings had done in past years; and applauded as she accepted her diploma from the same high school that her siblings had; and I cried, just like I did for her siblings. Mom of 3 graduates, and another 14 years before my fourth and final child makes that same walk.

But someone else special to me graduated too, from a different school on a different night.  And although I didn't watch it happening, I've seen the photos and video clips and cried the same happy momma tears for her.  She is my... well, step-daughter I guess - for lack of a better word.

I'm not married (nor ever was) to her father.  I've never lived in the same house with her, never spent more than 2 or 3 nights in a row with her under my roof.  I've never fought with her over homework or chores, curfew, language... I've never taken her to or from school or camp or lessons, I've never taken her to a doctor or picked up a prescription from a pharmacy for her.  Never taken care of her when she's sick.  But I have prayed for this child, cried over her and for her, had long dramatic conversations in the car with her, seen her build relationships with my children, and call them her siblings, and seen her fall in love with the new baby brother her father and I brought into this family.

When I first met her, she was 11.  Long skinny arms and legs, wearing a knit winter cap over her blondish hair and sitting on her daddy's lap.  She was tiny, this girl - and now at 18 she barely hits 5' even and has to have any formal wear tailored down to fit her extremely petite self - because she rocks the curves of a taller woman in spite of her lack of height.  I'm so proud of her, but feel like I need to stay backstage, in the wings, offering only a hug and a smile when she comes to me.  She is so fortunate to have a tight relationship with her mom and her step dad - she is well loved and cared for and has had all the support and encouragement and opportunities you could imagine.  There is very little room for me as a parent, as the mom of her brother, as the partner (former) of her father.  He isn't as involved in her life as I think he should be anyway, so my presence is even of less value due to that.  But none of that lessens my actual love for her.  My love for her is so big...

I love her drama, her crazy talent, her wild emotions, her hour long showers that turn into 2 hour long bathroom sessions, her perpetually messy life, I love it all.  I worry about her - about the hospital stays and the therapy and the medications and the always real concern for her well being.  She is not my daughter, and nothing like the daughters that grew in my womb, she is loud and theatrical and her emotions fling like rainbows from her soul...and I SEE her - and I love her, and I'm so happy for her...and I'm sorry to be part of something that hurts her, confuses her, pulls her in different directions.  But none of it diminishes my love for her.

Happy Graduation, daughter of my heart, and may only good things come to you to balance out the "not good" that you've had more than enough of.

I love you!

D