Transition to Courage

We are all always going through transitions in life. I know, as a parent in particular, I transition with my children through stages of life all the time.  Currently one son is learning to drive, a daughter is finishing her first year of high school, my baby just started walking - so many changes to roll with and readjust to all the time.  That's all a part of life, of living, of growing. But I am also going through a lot of personal transitions.

In fact over the past 4 years I've completely changed almost every part of my life, transitioning from a stay at home mom in a 4 bedroom house with a white picket fence, a minivan and a garden to a single mom in a third floor walkup in a sketchy area of a big city, living paycheck to paycheck and almost hysterically dependant on foodstamps.  And today I find myself struggling to accommodate yet another transition in my life.

I've lost so much in the past few years. I've gained a lot of wisdom and insight, but the things I've lost have marked my soul forever.  I've come to a pivotal point in a relationship though and I'm so afraid of letting go.  I know I want to let go, I know I need to let go, I know that letting go will be healthier and smarter, but I'm so afraid of losing one more thing in my life, one more person, one more safety net that I rely on. I find it so hard to just release myself and see what will happen.  I imagine the worst, because I've had "the worst" happen and I feel realistically justified in assuming that the worst will come true.  I try to imagine the best - and then self doubt kicks me down.

It's all fear based.  A therapist told me once that I may never escape fear, that I might walk hand in hand with it over every decision that comes my way, however I have the choice to embrace fear and use it, or to let it lead me.  Right now I am being led by my fear and it's not a lot of fun.  I can stop it but it takes a measure of courage and I'm not feeling very courageous right now.

As I'm writing this, I realize I am talking myself through the entire issue, I am therapizing (is that a word? It is now...) myself.  It's pretty helpful actually.  More productive than sitting on my couch with a carton of ice cream thats for sure! I know I've come a long way in the past year alone, I know I've been brave, been courageous, been smart and strong and self sufficient and self reliant. I am proud of my accomplishments, of the ways in which I've planned to move ahead. But I find myself stuck at this point, in this relationship, because of fear.

It's time to let go, roll into the transitions it brings, and put fear in the back seat instead of the drivers seat. Its time to let my courage rise up and light the way.