Sing me a new song

I love music.  I'm a fan of sappy emotional songs that are often, sadly, linked to TV Dramas or Indie Romance Films. Although I'm a sucker for most country songs too.  I'm mostly a fan of lyrics over the actual music.  Lyrics speak in ways that I can't, and express my feelings so beautifully over my own awkward ramblings.

When I was at my most happiest, content, and "normal", I listened to a lot of contemporary christian music.  I was deep in my relationship with God and loved using songs to praise Him and to just be joyful.  When my life got really hard and then quickly spiraled into something resembling a Made For TV Hallmark Movie of the Week, I ran as far away from God as I could.  I figured if He couldn't protect me, then I should focus my attentions elsewhere.  But hey, that is an entirely different story.  I'm talking about music.  So, when life got crazy, I gave up my contemporary christian except for a few favorites that I sang to myself and I moved into the TV Drama/Indie Romance soundtrack period of time.

Certain songs I assign to certain experiences. I'm pretty sure a lot of people do that, but I have a lot of experiences that are rooted in grief and loss and confusion that have an entire soundtrack built around them.  The problem for me is that I do it, assign these awesome songs to these not-so-awesome experiences, and then every time I hear that song, I RE-experience all the feelings I had originally.

I just watched Silver Linings Playbook and had such compassion for the way the character totally loses his composure with one certain song.  I also really understood how he could hear the song even when it wasn't playing - and have the emotions and reactions play out even though there was NO SONG.  I get it.  I'm not an undiagnosed bipolar on serious meds, but I have my own reactions to songs and I too can hear them playing when they aren't.  And I don't like it.

I don't like that, while listening to Pandora and cleaning the house, a song can come on that makes my thoughts and emotions all jumpy, fragile and brittle, right there in the middle of what WAS an ordinary safe and vaguely pleasant time.  I don't like that while I'm putzing around the grocery store or driving to work and a song comes on the radio/P.A. system that sends my heart into a solid lump dropping to the bottom of my stomach.  I don't like that my son can be looking up songs on you-tube and something comes along that takes me back, back, back to a time I do NOT want to revisit.

I need new songs.  I need to find the music that is a soundtrack to THIS life, my life NOW.  I need songs that remind me of the times my kids and I laugh until someone cries or pees, songs that take me to the moment they put my newest baby into my arms for the first time, songs to make me remember sitting outside roasting marshmallows over our fire pit while the stars shone overhead and everyone I loved most was there with me.  I need songs to make me smile when I hear them, laugh and sing along, to dance.

Sing me a new song...